By Degrees

I think most people would agree that the act of opening a monogamous relationship to sexual play with another person, or other persons, is a significant step. After some consideration it has become evident to me that the process is actually quiet complex and challenging if one is dealing with internal “moral governors” instilled during the pre-adult years, and societal expectations. In the absence of a libertarian influence, or mindset, the idea of a polyamorous relationship, or “open marriage,” is a concept that requires some mental unshackling. Angie and I are learning that it is one thing to talk about having other lovers come into our marriage. It is another to actually execute.

Though we are still just talking, merely getting to the talking stage had the collateral benefit of drawing us closer together. This, I believe, is simply the result of something I posted on previously: open expression of things hidden and desired. I think many people go through life keeping some things like their fantasies bottled up and never share those thoughts with their significant other for fear of rejection or shame. How refreshing it is to learn that your loved one loves you for who you are, even if you have a kink or two. Communication is really a critical factor in the closeness of a relationship. And I marvel how Angie and I have actually drawn closer, and jump started our sex life over the past year, simply through the expression of things we kept secret.

However, trying to get past the talking stage to actual execution with this thing provided some interesting revelations about the process, self, and expectations.

One can find his/herself overly optimistic when it comes to the profile of the desired playmate(s). The descriptor “playmate(s)” is apropos, in retrospect, because there is the trap of thinking in terms of the ideal profile that may very well be unrealistic. I experienced maybe some of that truth during a brief period this year of exploring internet match sites for swingers, and players. Local couples in their twenties and thirties did not care to even respond to initial introductions from me, I think, given the fact of our ages. We were rejected out of hand. Not even a request for pictures. I think it may have been a matter of perception about middle-agers. It makes sense when one considers that sexual play is simply a physical thing for most swingers and players. Most of the profiles said as much. Maybe the lesson was simply about expectations.

The second part to “execution” is actually getting the nerve to meet the other party. We did in fact receive more than a couple of offers to play from couples in our peer group, as well as numerous single males offering their services (go figure). But we didn't take any of them up on their offer because, frankly, we were/are still getting up the nerve. It is kind of unsettling, when one thinks about the first meeting. What if they think we are unattractive? If they want to go for it on a first date, will we be able to answer the bell? Gawd, what if they know family and friends!

It became apparent too in discussions between Angie and I, and Angie posted on this, that an immediate meeting after an internet match up seemed a little too….direct for us. But it seems to me that waiting for the right person to just happen to come along may mean years of waiting, with no guarantee of …consummation. So, is there a middle ground, not too direct as to put a Pass/Fail stamp on the process, but not so overly cautious as to make it a lottery option? Is the middle ground the thing some call “soft swinging?” I wonder if that means you flirt by email, or swap photos of each other, or some other thing that tests your risk quotient. This seems a great start if each party has a streak of exhibitionism/voyeurism, and a way of easing the process forward if all goes well initially. I read “T’s” post in her blog, Tales From The Erotic-Couple, where she mentions the idea of using a web cam with playmates. Maybe that’s how to break the ice.

How did, or would, any of you readers go about progressing past the discussion phase? If you have experiences or ideas give us a shout.